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12 December 2013
3.26AM
As we grow older, as we go on with life, there is so much to note, so much to learn. You know it's so easy to just convince people to be on your side, to trust you with merely nice-hearing words and the next second break them like they meant nothing to you. It just doesn't seem realistic that whatever happened, happened. Just could not bring myself to believe that I, who once experienced true love and have gotten my walls up so high, let them down a little just to have myself torn apart again. All I hoped for was for someone to come along and bring me back to life.
The past years, I have never felt so lifeless. Like I was feeling nothing, like I was nothing. Everything around me seems hopeless and it has come to the point where self-harming doesn't even help anymore. (I mean it has never helped me, I just felt like I deserve every single bit of it.)
3.26AM
As we grow older, as we go on with life, there is so much to note, so much to learn. You know it's so easy to just convince people to be on your side, to trust you with merely nice-hearing words and the next second break them like they meant nothing to you. It just doesn't seem realistic that whatever happened, happened. Just could not bring myself to believe that I, who once experienced true love and have gotten my walls up so high, let them down a little just to have myself torn apart again. All I hoped for was for someone to come along and bring me back to life.
The past years, I have never felt so lifeless. Like I was feeling nothing, like I was nothing. Everything around me seems hopeless and it has come to the point where self-harming doesn't even help anymore. (I mean it has never helped me, I just felt like I deserve every single bit of it.)
When you truly experienced true love once and the slimmest chance of you falling and trusting another individual bets on itself and you fall again, you will be really cautious. It's not because you want to, but because it has become part of your nature. You are cautious. And when they know how broken how distrustful how bitter how torn apart you are and tells you they are here to save you but ends up breaking you......... it will make you question yourself all over again, whatever you believed in. Whatever else that was left in you before this phase, has all been taken away once again.
And the worst part is wanting to use hatred to overwhelm the messy thoughts in your head, the confusion in your heart because you don't know what else you can do to stop that agony.
And so you start hating on that person who promised to pull you up from the quicksand you've stubbornly been trying to resist coming up from. But most of all, you hate yourself for ever believing you were worth saving.
And the worst part is wanting to use hatred to overwhelm the messy thoughts in your head, the confusion in your heart because you don't know what else you can do to stop that agony.
And so you start hating on that person who promised to pull you up from the quicksand you've stubbornly been trying to resist coming up from. But most of all, you hate yourself for ever believing you were worth saving.
“I used to think I was the strangest person in the world but then I thought there are so many people in the world, there must be someone just like me who feels bizarre and flawed in the same ways I do. I would imagine her, and imagine that she must be out there thinking of me too. Well, I hope that if you are out there and read this and know that, yes, it's true I'm here, and I'm just as strange as you.”
“This is how you do it: you sit down at the keyboard and you put one word after another until it's done. It's that easy, and that hard.”