1
2
3
✛
07 October 2014
2.18AM
Tonight I lost a friend. Wow I really don't know what to say next.
It's basic human rights to protect yourself from getting hurt. And we all do whatever it takes, no matter what people say. Sometimes we do what we think is right, yet it might not have been the best. But that point in time we do what we think is best as a whole. And that's human rights.
I guess I just felt sorry for not doing enough to keep it all together. No matter how hard I try it's never enough. And no matter how many times people tell me I'm not responsible for these downfalls, I hold myself responsible. It's always the "could have done better", "could have done more" that chains me down. I felt sorry things had to end this way.
I guess I learnt to fight for the things close to my heart ever since I lost him because I took him for granted. They were my roots when I was dealing with my monsters, when hope didn't seem too lost then. And I guess that's why I kept trying. Because it has become a part of me. Because they are damn important to me.
My mum, I was never close to her. She asked me if I'm okay if everything's fine because she saw the bloodshot in my eyes and I can only say everything's fine because I don't really know how to express how I feel and what just happened. I, myself, am still on the road of accepting what just happened.
Everyone who's close to me knows I'm someone that cannot cry. I try to, but I can't. When nights like this I bawl my eyeballs out, you know how much it goes to show. Maybe this is why I dare not accept anyone into my life. Because this is what loss feels like.
“I used to think I was the strangest person in the world but then I thought there are so many people in the world, there must be someone just like me who feels bizarre and flawed in the same ways I do. I would imagine her, and imagine that she must be out there thinking of me too. Well, I hope that if you are out there and read this and know that, yes, it's true I'm here, and I'm just as strange as you.”
“This is how you do it: you sit down at the keyboard and you put one word after another until it's done. It's that easy, and that hard.”