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11 January 2014
2.42AM
I don't care anymore. I don't want to care anymore. I don't need to care anymore. Everyone that has left, everyone that is leaving, those that I'm so afraid to lose and is losing, even those that I'm so afraid to lose and I hope I won't. It's true people come and go. It's just, some people you never imagined would leave you, or at least not so soon. These people are perfectly fine without me. I am replaced for some, yet the others I am replaced by nothing. I am so used to being lonely yet I can't seem to stop worrying about losing those most important to me now. Without them I don't know what would have happened to me, don't know what might have become of me, don't know where I might have headed, don't know what means I would succumb to in order to survive. I am so tired of everything that is happening around me. It's true I have plenty of friends. But what use is it when I feel like this and I scroll through my contacts and realise there is none I can talk to without feeling like they will judge or feeling like I'm a burden to them. Sometimes I feel so deprived. Sometimes I feel so envious. Other times I feel deprived, and envious. How some people can have perfectly loving families, not having to worry about being financially handicap, going to school just for the sake of being with their friends (I mean I had those times but I lost it), how waking up no longer seems to be one of the toughest things to do. I'm just too tired to care anymore.
“I used to think I was the strangest person in the world but then I thought there are so many people in the world, there must be someone just like me who feels bizarre and flawed in the same ways I do. I would imagine her, and imagine that she must be out there thinking of me too. Well, I hope that if you are out there and read this and know that, yes, it's true I'm here, and I'm just as strange as you.”
“This is how you do it: you sit down at the keyboard and you put one word after another until it's done. It's that easy, and that hard.”