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13 February 2014
7.49AM
Yes, I'm blogging at 7.49am in the morning because I just got reminded of my lowest point in life and I just had to talk about it somewhere, hoping people that had best not see this, not see this.
My lowest point in life was during my secondary 3 & 4 days where I had all that depression crap. Tho for that matter I shan't say why. I remember going to school and just putting my head on the desk, just spacing out into whatever, hoping every lesson would just end and I could go. I remember going to class not knowing how I will survive each and every day but I guess you do survive. I remember hanging out with my friends during recess and they would get their food and I would just sit there with my head on the table and every living thought would attempt to kill me every time. I remember starving myself, harming myself, have suicidal thoughts haunt me, do all the things I did because I felt I deserved it. I remember not doing anything that interested me before because nothing interested me anymore, then. I have never felt so much pain in my life. And I mean emotionally. I am absolutely NOT blaming anyone for this, afterall if none of this has happened I might have still be as childish and immature as I was which totally sucked.
Then secondary 4 came. It wasn't like everything has passed. I mean it had, but it still had a stronghold over me. I know I am never exactly just okay. And I know one word, one song, one action can bring back a lot of memories and flashbacks but it happened so many times, too many times, that gradually I just become used to it. Like it has already become a daily thing? And when that happened I slowly began to be numb to everything. I stopped caring. I stopped feeling. And it wasn't like I made myself not care, made myself not feel. It just became a part of me. Until today. It has been 3-4 years now and even tho I'm emotionally stable now, even tho nothing can be as impactful as this and hurt me, I still think about it sometimes. And by 'it' I simply mean everything. Just random thoughts that come to mind. Feels like they know their place.
I guess the worst thing isn't really about feeling all the emotions at once. It isn't about losing interest in everything. It isn't about all the emotional issues and barriers you start having, all the walls you start building (even tho that shit is insane and real). I think the worst part is when you lose yourself. You start not to recognise yourself anymore. You stopped feeling and you yearn so badly to feel something, but you don't.
“I used to think I was the strangest person in the world but then I thought there are so many people in the world, there must be someone just like me who feels bizarre and flawed in the same ways I do. I would imagine her, and imagine that she must be out there thinking of me too. Well, I hope that if you are out there and read this and know that, yes, it's true I'm here, and I'm just as strange as you.”
“This is how you do it: you sit down at the keyboard and you put one word after another until it's done. It's that easy, and that hard.”