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21 February 2014
12.56AM
I'm not really sure why everything is coming back to me. I thought this depression phase was clearly over. I'm not sure if I'm exactly right but I think phase II is knocking on my door. Perhaps it was the conversation that I was not part of, or that my sadness was being compared, or that I kept things to myself for such a long time that it came rushing back in one night. Or perhaps it was because I thought I was recovering, look who's the fool now. I think you never really recover. You just get by.
I'm feeling all the random negative thoughts about everything possible yet my heart feels dead. It feels NOTHING but my mind keeps running. I'm not even sure what this is supposed to be. What is this? I feel like more than often I keep things to myself to the point where sometimes I just wish there was someone, anyone, that would hear me out. You don't have to comment on anything I say, you don't have to rack your brain trying to think of the perfect words to use. All these, I don't need. I just want someone to sit down, LISTEN to what I have to say. You don't have to understand what I'm going through, how I feel about things, because rarely anyone does. You just sit there, and listen. But clearly that is too much to ask for. Sometimes I tell things to "strangers" because I desperately need a ear. Other times I'm just tired of talking. Talking about things that matter.
I feel like everyone is going away. Friends I thought I could keep for life. Gone. Like the wind. And I don't know what's gotten into me but lately I've been feeling like I don't deserve anyone in my circle of friends. Like what did I do to ever deserve them? Nothing. But as selfish as it sounds, and I don't care if it's selfish. I'm never pushing these people away. They are the only ones I have left, those that stood by me. The future seems all too scary. Idk.
I'm not really sure why everything is coming back to me. I thought this depression phase was clearly over. I'm not sure if I'm exactly right but I think phase II is knocking on my door. Perhaps it was the conversation that I was not part of, or that my sadness was being compared, or that I kept things to myself for such a long time that it came rushing back in one night. Or perhaps it was because I thought I was recovering, look who's the fool now. I think you never really recover. You just get by.
I'm feeling all the random negative thoughts about everything possible yet my heart feels dead. It feels NOTHING but my mind keeps running. I'm not even sure what this is supposed to be. What is this? I feel like more than often I keep things to myself to the point where sometimes I just wish there was someone, anyone, that would hear me out. You don't have to comment on anything I say, you don't have to rack your brain trying to think of the perfect words to use. All these, I don't need. I just want someone to sit down, LISTEN to what I have to say. You don't have to understand what I'm going through, how I feel about things, because rarely anyone does. You just sit there, and listen. But clearly that is too much to ask for. Sometimes I tell things to "strangers" because I desperately need a ear. Other times I'm just tired of talking. Talking about things that matter.
I feel like everyone is going away. Friends I thought I could keep for life. Gone. Like the wind. And I don't know what's gotten into me but lately I've been feeling like I don't deserve anyone in my circle of friends. Like what did I do to ever deserve them? Nothing. But as selfish as it sounds, and I don't care if it's selfish. I'm never pushing these people away. They are the only ones I have left, those that stood by me. The future seems all too scary. Idk.
“I used to think I was the strangest person in the world but then I thought there are so many people in the world, there must be someone just like me who feels bizarre and flawed in the same ways I do. I would imagine her, and imagine that she must be out there thinking of me too. Well, I hope that if you are out there and read this and know that, yes, it's true I'm here, and I'm just as strange as you.”
“This is how you do it: you sit down at the keyboard and you put one word after another until it's done. It's that easy, and that hard.”