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22 September 2014
3.26PM
Everybody treats me like I don't exist. Everybody treats me like I don't matter. And no matter whether they mean to or not, everybody treats me the same. I never thought I could be changed further because of how heartless and cold I have already become. But I now know it is possible for me to become someone I don't even know. Someone that's not how I would ever be.
Every time I try, people don't appreciate. And yet I try, and try, and try again. And again and again I have been let down but I try again. I know I'm stupid for trying but I can't help but try because every second spent not trying is every second wasted not trying. And I know sometimes trying doesn't help because it takes two hands to clap. And I know some friendships formed are never gonna last, nor am I gonna matter as much to them as they are to me. And I know I will continue to lose people as I always have and as everyone always will but I can't help if I blame myself for losing people if I ever stop trying. I know some people just don't bother anymore but somewhere in all of my hopelessness there always lies 5% hope. And this hope keeps me trying and trying and I'm so sick and tired and sick and tired but I try anyway. Because I cannot imagine having to regret not trying forever to keep people in my life.
I know they say you should not let people define your worth. But if they are the ones that upset you and they are the ones that keep you awake at night and are the ones that hold thoughts that make you want to go back to sleep in the afternoon then how the hell can they have no toll over you?
They say if you have friends or people that disappoint you time and again, and that they take you for granted, ignore when you are at your lowest, walk in and out of your life, and treat you like a substitute then no, you don't deserve it. You don't deserve this. But guess what? I can only succumb to this and try again. And yes,this is a never-ending tiring cycle and I'm so fucking sick of it but you gotta admit it has a certain level of control over you. It consumes you.
And I know I will go back to caring and trying. But not today. Just not today.
Every time I try, people don't appreciate. And yet I try, and try, and try again. And again and again I have been let down but I try again. I know I'm stupid for trying but I can't help but try because every second spent not trying is every second wasted not trying. And I know sometimes trying doesn't help because it takes two hands to clap. And I know some friendships formed are never gonna last, nor am I gonna matter as much to them as they are to me. And I know I will continue to lose people as I always have and as everyone always will but I can't help if I blame myself for losing people if I ever stop trying. I know some people just don't bother anymore but somewhere in all of my hopelessness there always lies 5% hope. And this hope keeps me trying and trying and I'm so sick and tired and sick and tired but I try anyway. Because I cannot imagine having to regret not trying forever to keep people in my life.
I know they say you should not let people define your worth. But if they are the ones that upset you and they are the ones that keep you awake at night and are the ones that hold thoughts that make you want to go back to sleep in the afternoon then how the hell can they have no toll over you?
They say if you have friends or people that disappoint you time and again, and that they take you for granted, ignore when you are at your lowest, walk in and out of your life, and treat you like a substitute then no, you don't deserve it. You don't deserve this. But guess what? I can only succumb to this and try again. And yes,this is a never-ending tiring cycle and I'm so fucking sick of it but you gotta admit it has a certain level of control over you. It consumes you.
And I know I will go back to caring and trying. But not today. Just not today.
“I used to think I was the strangest person in the world but then I thought there are so many people in the world, there must be someone just like me who feels bizarre and flawed in the same ways I do. I would imagine her, and imagine that she must be out there thinking of me too. Well, I hope that if you are out there and read this and know that, yes, it's true I'm here, and I'm just as strange as you.”
“This is how you do it: you sit down at the keyboard and you put one word after another until it's done. It's that easy, and that hard.”