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24th June 2014
3.21AM
So many things have happened in the past weeks. I can't emphasize enough how slowly all real friendships hold top positions in my life now. I used to prioritze my heartaches above all else. But it was because of my friends that I got through all that. 4 years is a long time but they never left me. They never got sick of my thoughts because that slowly became who I was inside. Without them I don't know where I will be today. Maybe not even, here. Slowly but surely I began treating my friendships seriously. And that, now, includes those that were not even there during my toughest period in life. But I know now that my friends are everything to me and that if I lose them I have nothing else left to lose.
But I also have to understand that sometimes life isn't fair. Good things don't last and there is ALWAYS the bad in the good. What would we know of good if not for the bad? The worst things that can happen when a group of friends are so close is when someone starts drifting away. And someone else stops trying. And someone else stops replying. And slowly everyone is falling away and everything else is falling apart. And there stood someone. The only one. Trying, and trying, and trying. Hoping to salvage what is now broken. But to no avail. And yet she tries, tries, and try again. And even when nobody appreciates what she has done, she still can't stop trying. She can't stop caring because for the others to not find her significant makes the least sense of all. And yet sometimes in life, you need to expect the unexpected. Because even impossible things are made possible.
I have lost so many people in my life that it is not surprising anymore. And yet when it happens again and again each time, it hurts a little inside. Am I not important enough? Am I such small a fry that I hold no significance in anyone's life? I know some say they care. But words are like double-edged swords. They pierce right through your heart each time as if they don't hurt, but they do.
Maybe it is just the time at which events flow. Maybe right now it is a bad period of time, but it is not wrong. Because there is a season for everything. A season to mourn, a season to be glad. And perhaps this is just not the season where all is good. But someday things will get better. As so I hope.
“I used to think I was the strangest person in the world but then I thought there are so many people in the world, there must be someone just like me who feels bizarre and flawed in the same ways I do. I would imagine her, and imagine that she must be out there thinking of me too. Well, I hope that if you are out there and read this and know that, yes, it's true I'm here, and I'm just as strange as you.”
“This is how you do it: you sit down at the keyboard and you put one word after another until it's done. It's that easy, and that hard.”