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28 March 2015

11.29PM

I thought I didn't have to blog about anything relating to this but I guess I was wrong? It's the sudden random thought of "oh I'm glad I have friends I know will never leave" followed by the "oh wait the ones I thought would never, did" that got me here. I know I know, that some friends never contact much but the rare times you meet you are still close as fuck. But efforts bro. Where the fuck are the efforts? Gna leave this as it is, here, in this last sentence of the first para. Blog about why I'm really here.

Kinda hoping nobody reads this. Should I private this shit tho. Argh things are getting from bad to worse la. I did not say "things cannot get any worse" to be proven fucking wrong, my dear life. I JUST, DON'T KNOW. It's like I know, but I'm stuck at the same time. Just because the words "we cannot be friends anymore" are said, doesn't mean it's true. Where there is a friendship before whatever in between went on, there is a friendship. It doesn't just end because someone said so. We just act like we aren't. But surely we still are. Surely. And after clarifying this to myself, I meet with yet another dilemma. It's not exactly being selfish. But wanting to salvage the friendship as soon as possible, tho knowing he/she still needs more time, is not my gain alone. Both parties gain. I for one am not the kind of person who puts self before others. My friends would know that. And this explains why I always couldn't digest when people say, "sometimes you just gotta think for yourself. You cannot always put others before you." I never understood that. I never could do that. Maybe now some people would disagree, but I'm pretty sure I know my intentions best. It's not like this is fucking easy for me. It's not like I'm not affected. Saying you will not let other things become a chain reaction as a result of our feud does not magically make them so. Everything has gone wrong. So is this STILL fucking easy for me? Yeah I don't show it. I just think it. I don't tweet about it often. I just think it. So this means I am not affected? Some might think this is a result of my folly. But good lord, things were already shaken even before it was spoken of. What's the good in dragging things. Where's the good in dragging things.

And with all that said and done, literally, I feel like I have nobody left. I'm not even saying this because I feel it. I'm saying this because it is what it is. A and B are busy with their whoever and whatever, that they have no time for me. I lost C and D. E, F and G knows NUTS about what the hell is going on. And the rest, well they are either stuck in the middle or not know what is going on. So ya. I stay at home by myself just thinking. What things became. But don't be mistaken. I do not regret my decision. For I know it is best. Maybe I screwed up the timing a little. But y'know what they say: Timing's a bitch. 

And I don't want to live this life knowing somewhere I have unfinished business. And it's gna be tough, I tell you, to have the courage to stand for what you believe in. Esp when you stand alone. But I don't want to live another regret. I don't want to grow up and have the same "I should have done this I should have done that" because it was too painstaking the previous time. But I also know that sometimes we wanna do the best we can to get something done or make it better, or whatever. So we talk ourselves into it, we convince ourselves that as long as we try we have no regrets. But I also understand that not everybody wants the same as I. If it takes two person to complete a purchase, and the other party doesn't comply, then you cannot force the transaction. But always think of the bigger picture. Yes, it hurts now. It hurts for both parties having to build a friendship so strong and see it collapsing. But if you walk away, the bricks and walls are not gna build itself. Sure it might still tumble the next time round but that is if we get there. Life is too short to think too far.