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04 April 2015
2.20AM
I received a call few minutes ago. A missed one actually. Then a text after telling me to return the call as soon as possible. I did. I'm not going to elaborate on that phone call. But as I was telling my friend about it, it reminded me of what had happened many years ago.
I was infatuated. I was toyed. I got hurt. Then someone that I had interest in since the year before started having feelings for me. It was unbelievable. We dated. But there were always these few moments where I would just daze into nothing. Like I was thinking of something. And I always was. But when he asked me I always said that nothing was wrong. How am I supposed to tell him that I still feel all the hurt the previous person inflicted me with. I had a boyfriend, I was not supposed to feel hurt because of somebody else. That's what I thought. But I should have told him. Hoping and trusting that he would understand. He knows what happened, I think. I should have trusted that he would understand. But I didn't. I hate that this was the root of lack of communication between us and that it was on me. And I hate that it ended badly indirectly because of this.
Years later, now, I know that I have all the right to feel hurt, to feel whatever it was I felt. No matter the circumstances. I cannot blame myself for the way I feel.
I was stupid. And he was sensible. He always was.
“I used to think I was the strangest person in the world but then I thought there are so many people in the world, there must be someone just like me who feels bizarre and flawed in the same ways I do. I would imagine her, and imagine that she must be out there thinking of me too. Well, I hope that if you are out there and read this and know that, yes, it's true I'm here, and I'm just as strange as you.”
“This is how you do it: you sit down at the keyboard and you put one word after another until it's done. It's that easy, and that hard.”